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When Perfection Is Imperfect

What is perfection? Current society would have us believe that it is the Stepford Standard, that anything

less than keeping up with the Joneses makes us substandard, less relevant, not good enough, or just

plain not enough. Webster’s defines perfection as “having all the required or desirable elements,

qualities, or characteristics” and “completely free from faults or defects”. Maybe it’s just me but I feel

like these definitions are in conflict.  Why can’t I have all the required or desirable elements, qualities

and characteristics, AND still have faults? Why can’t I be perfectly imperfect? Perfection can be found in

the faults, in the quirks that make us who we are and the experiences that we grow from that have

been less than perfect.

Is it even possible for anyone or anything to be truly perfect (i.e., without flaws)? Rationally, I think most

would agree that it’s not. Rationally, we know that it is part of the human experience to be flawed, to

make mistakes, to rise from the proverbial ashes. But how can we rise if we’ve never been burned?

Rather, in perfectionism we are consumed by the flames, the need for this unattainable perfect. Why is

accepting imperfection so hard? Brene Brown has done an amazing job of addressing this question, in

fact much of her work focuses this very topic.

The point of this post is not to delve into imperfection, but rather how we know when our need to be

perfect, to be “completely free from faults or defects” is getting in the way of this thing called life.

Society tells us that if we aren’t the highest performers, if our parties aren’t the biggest, the best, the

ultimate event that has Gatsby in envy, then we aren’t doing it right.

How does this happen? How do we miss the point of the very thing we are trying to achieve? It’s simple,

we forget to think about the intent of the goal itself. And, when we forget about the intent (the desired

end state or outcome) we go into the perfectionistic planning mode. If you are prone to this mentality

then you know how time consuming and crazed the planning gets around a desired goal. The flaw here

is that the obsessive planning, the extensive preparation and painstaking compulsion to think about

everything that should happen, everything that might happen, the need to think (aka obsess) about all

of the knowns and unknowns, gets in the way of the goal. Not to mention it makes the process of

reaching the goal exhausting. Essentially we run ourselves into the fire of worry about the “what if’s”, all

the while missing the point of the event.

Take this for example, say you want to get friends together for a game night. The idea being that you

would get folks together, maybe have some food, maybe some drinks, and everyone has a night full of

commercial worthy fun. The perfectionist dives immediately into the planning and organizing of the

“perfect” game night. Sending out the fancy semi-formal electronic invitations with the “perfect” play

on words that “perfectly” captures the theme of the night. Then to the food, drinks, and venue prep.

The perfectionist struggles with letting everyone bring a dish (what if two people bring the same thing,

or some other catastrophe happens?!), people can bring a side but no matter what the “perfect” host

needs to have the “perfect” culinary item that could make Martha Stewart green with envy. Everything

must be organized, “perfectly”… heaven forbid the drink cooler not match the centerpiece. The games,

must be selected with care, to facilitate the most fun of course. And then amidst all the planning and

preparation for the “perfect” party, the home must be spotless. Above all cost’s this house must not

look lived in!!! In the perfectionist frenzy, you stop thinking about the intent of game night, and start

obsessing on the need for “perfect”, the rave reviews; you’re looking for the 5 star yelp review for what

started as a means to connect with your friends/families.

Rather than connecting, you’re disconnecting. There’s no room for fun and friends when there’s a

“perfect” party on the horizon. If you think your friends can’t feel the anxiety of your perfection

obsession aura puts off, let me tell you, in no uncertain terms, they can. Your “perfect” planning is

imperfect. It’s driven by an unattainable need to be “perfect”. Did you ever stop to wonder what perfect

was?… in this case it’s not the best party favors, or the game selection, or the food, or the drinks. What

makes game night perfect is the intent. You are creating a space for people that you know and love to

come together and have fun (that’s the intent, that’s the desired outcome). It doesn’t matter if people

love the food, or find a speck of dust under the coffee table, or if no body plays games at all on game

night. What matters is that you brought people together for an evening of levity.

Some of the common cognitive distortions associated with perfectionism are:

 Black-and-white thinking – “If this is not perfect, I am a failure.” Or “Only lazy people ask for


 Catastrophic thinking – “Everyone is watching me, if I make a mistake they will think I am

stupid.” Or “If my presentation isn’t flawless, I will lose my job”

 Probability overestimation – “Even if I study a lot, I still won’t do well on my exam.”

 What happens in the above statements is that there is no room for life; because perfect isn’t

defined and the intent hasn’t been identified, there is no way to determine success. There are

always things we can do differently or do better in the future, that’s part of the learning curve of

all life’s situations. Perfectionists have a hard time thinking about what success looks like ahead

of time, instead they look retrospectively and judge themselves harshly for the things they

“should” have known, never accounting for the fact that these things could not have been

known at that time.

 Here are some questions to ask yourself to make sure you aren’t going into a perfection


 What is the intent? (really think about it)

 Are the thoughts and actions you are engaging contributing to or detracting from the intent?

 Are you enjoying it? (If the answer is no, ask yourself 1. Why am I doing this (i.e. is it aligned with

my intent or my need to be perfect)? 2. What about this am I not enjoying? 3. Could I approach

this differently to feel better about this?

 Am I being competitive? (With myself? With someone else?)

 Am I willing to ask for help? (perfectionists tend not to ask for help and/or have trouble truly

delegating, also known as micromanaging)

Be kind to yourself, be kind to others, and keep it moving

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